


This is why I need you

by lets_b_goblins



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, there is still fluff bc these two are goofs who can't stop being in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:08:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27238555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lets_b_goblins/pseuds/lets_b_goblins
Summary: Canon divergent safehouse-Damien kidnaps Adam and takes away his memory. It's up to Caleb to figure out how to fix it.(this was spawned from a brief convo in the tbs discord I took too seriously and shoved into safehouse. Big thanks to my friend Taylor (you'll find her in the comments probably) for helping me out and keeping me from abandoning it.)(fic title is from "this is why I need you" by Jessie Ruben)
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels, other people but it's not relavant really
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22





	1. Love is good until it's gone (Adam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything goes wrong  
> (the chapter title is from "temporary love" by ben platt)

“Adam!”

_Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. I’m dizzy. I need to sit down._

My head hits the floor, the pain sharp, hot, then _gone_.

“Oh, god! Adam!” A woman-do I know her?-grabs my hand. I force my eyes open and see a face like mine, a pair of glasses I’ve tried on before, swimming in my vision, her face a sharp contrast from the brightness of the sun (I’m outside?).

“Adam, it’s going to be-”

“Is he ok? Fuck, is he ok?” A boy-I know him, right?-calls out, his voice strained and in so, so much pain. A feeling I must have had before swells up in me, clenches at my heart and makes me dizzier.

“Is he ok? No, Caleb, he’s not!” a man I don’t know (do I?) snaps. “He just-”

“Mark!” Two women chime in, frustration and worry coating their vocal cords.

“I’m-I’m sorry, ok? There’s-there’s a lot going on right now!!” Mark-that must be his name-enters my narrow field of vision, his head in my hands. “Caleb-”

“-Caleb’s ability has nothing to do with it!”

“Oh god-” the boy’s voice breaks and the snake wrapped around my heart constricts, so, so tight. Salty water clouds my vision, the world blurring to vague colors and shapes resembling people, so many people. I try to open my mouth to speak, but a thick molasses of fear coats my tongue, making it impossible to say a word. The woman next to me-the one holding my hand-brushes the hair out of my face.

“Adam, just hold on, ok? It’s going to be-”

“Oh, please. He’ll be fine.” A deep, silky voice, one that makes my skin crawl comes from above me. “A little disoriented for a while, give or take a few...years.”

“Damien! Get out of here!” One of the women-this one’s voice sharp and angry-shouts. I do my best to sit up so I can see, the lady next to me propping me up with her forearms.

“No can do, Dr. B.” I can see Damien’s face now, and it fills me with this familiarly unfamiliar feeling, cold and hot all at once. “Auntie dearest still hasn’t given me what I want.” The woman-someone’s aunt, I guess-brushes the hair out of her face and steadies her voice.

“If you honestly believe that you can hurt my family and get anything out of me, you are delusional.”

The woman Damien called Dr. B turns to the other woman. “Honestly, Ellie. Your nephew is hurt because of you. Don’t pretend to care.”

 _Is Ellie my aunt?_ Caleb’s face darkens, his breath quickening with my heart rate.

Damien chuckles. “Oh, come on, All I needed was to get your attention, Wadsworth. I only hurt him a little-”

_Crash._

_Oh, god._

My vision goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I originally was going to publish everything when I finished but I realized the anniversary of Safe House was coming up so I figured I'd celebrate the occasion!


	2. I need to stay with you but I don't know what to do (Caleb)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which angst is created, Caleb is sad, and no one knows what tf is going on. 
> 
> Enjoy! tw for aftermath of violence (not described but mentioned) and general fear.
> 
> (Title is from "he died in dreams" by Ross Wylde)

Fuck.

I should use that word less. It doesn’t mean enough anymore.

 _Fuck_.

My hands are red, both in color and emotion. There’s so much anger. I understand the term “throbbing pain” now; it feels active, moving like fire ants all over my body, I hear shouting (does it go on for a minute or an hour?) and get pushed into a car; beige interior, one of those scent trees hanging in the front. I’m getting blood all over the seats. Dr. Bright is driving, her face tighter than I’ve ever seen.

“Dr. Bright-”

“It’s going to be ok, Caleb.” I don’t need my ability-my violent, monstrous ability-to know she doesn’t believe that.

“But Damien-”

“-He’s with Frank. We figured that was the best person to take him.”

“Take him? Where?” My dumb football brain is too slow to understand and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

“The AM.”

“What?” My breath quickens, palms sweating. “We can’t-we can’t take him there!”

“We have to, Caleb.” Dr. Bright is pulling into a parking lot of a building I’ve been told to be afraid of a thousand times. “Even if what you... even if what happened hadn’t happened, Adam…”

“Fuck. Adam. Is he- is he going to be-” Dr. Bright sighs, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen her.

“I...I honestly don’t know.”

“Oh god.” I put my head against the seat in front of me, running my sticky fingers through my hair. Adam. he looked so...blank. I’ve never seen him so expressionless. _What did Damien do?_ He’d barely made it out of the house before his ability's hold on us disappeared and we ran outside, but in that time…

I feel nauseous. Dr. Bright stops the car and I’m reminded of where I am. I yank my hands out of my hair and unbuckle my seatbelt. I don’t want to be here, but I need air. I get out of the car.

“Hello there, Caleb.” Wadsworth (Annabelle? Ellie?) is stepping out of a shiny black convertible.“Is Joan here?”

“I am, Ellie.” Dr. Bright steps in front of me.

“Good, good. Frank should be arriving at any moment with Robert.”

“Robert?” It’s far from the most important question I have, but it’s the easiest to ask. Wadsworth rolls her eyes.

“Damien. I’ll take care of him, don’t you worry. Same with Adam.”

“Wait-” My breath starts to quicken again and I feel like my brain is filling with helium, floating me up, up and away from the ground.

“Adam needs medical attention. A regular hospital won’t be able to figure out what happened to him.”

“And what exactly happened to him, Ellie?” Dr. Bright puts a hand on my shoulder and I begin to float back down to earth.

Wadsworth’s perfect composure flinches, a chink in her armor revealed. “I honestly don’t know, Joan.”

“Oh god-” The brief sense of calm Dr. Bright had given me disappears in the wind. Emotions almost completely my own swirl around me and I find myself reaching, reaching, reaching for Adam’s feelings. It’s so easy most of the time; I know how he should feel. I meet the wall that’s always around him and instinctively push through, seeking the warmth he always brings. The green he always brings. But there’s nothing. Empty. There’s always something. Even in the deepest of sleep, even when he’s so numb he can barely open his eyes there’s something. It’s like- it’s like he’s dead.

_No no not dead. Don’t think that Caleb. That doesn’t make any sense. You’d know, and Wadsworth wouldn’t be so calm._

“Caleb? Are you alright?” Dr. Bright’s looking at me, her emotions orange and mushy with unease. I desperately want to snap at her-I feel like that game operation, like if you touch me in the wrong place I’ll explode. But I don’t. She hasn’t done anything to deserve my anger.

“Yeah- yeah… I’m..fine.”

“Maybe you should go home. I’m sure your parents are worried. I’ll call you if anything happens.”

“No-I have to help. I have to-”

“Caleb there’s not much we can do right now but wait. I think it would be better for you if you didn’t have to feel the others’ distress as well as your own. Frank can take you home.”

“Of course, miss.” Frank is there (when did he get here?) “Is it alright if I take your car? I’d rather Caleb not see Damien.”

_I only hurt him a little._

_Crash._

_Crack._

“Caleb?” Frank is next to me now, hand on my other shoulder. Dr. Bright and him are holding me down, and I want to yell at them, to tell them I’m not a ticking time bomb.

But I am.

I have been for some time.

That’s the point, isn’t it? That’s why they want me to leave. They don’t want their bomb to explode, the man to become a monster.

Which I already have.

I allow myself to be guided back towards that claustrophobic car, back into the back seat. Away from the fear and pain that I caused.

Away from Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Pls leave kudos and comment for my undying love and affection!


	3. Funny how a memory turns into a bad dream (Adam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has some dreams
> 
> (Title is from "Moral of the story" by Ashe)

_“You missed me soooo much!!”_

_“You’re such a fucking asshole!”_

I see myself. I see a boy, taller than me, with strawberry blond hair. Did this happen? The edges of the scene are dulled, like an old photograph or an aesthetic Instagram photo Jessica Ronan would post.

 _“I love you,”_ The boy-the really, really cute boy-is staring into past me’s eyes.

Shift.

 _“Adam?” Hazy faces, worried voices._ I pull myself away. I can tell that one hurts.

Shift.

“ _Soouuper trouper beams are gonna blind me but I won’t be bluuuuee!”_ The strawberry blond boy is singing in the car, offkey on purpose while I laugh.

_“You’re a nerd.”_

Shift.

 _“Caleb!”_ The pretty boy is hurting someone. Why would he do something like that?

Shift.

_“You are so….”_

_“What?”_

_“Cute.”_

Shift.

_“I lo-I. You mean a lot to me.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_ The boy is leaving me, alone, alone, alone.

Shift.

_“Adam!!!”_

I don’t like these dreams. I can’t seem to wake up. And they don’t seem to stop. I hear voices. Not the dreams. Other voices. Sometimes I can understand bits and pieces. Never much.

“It’s going to be okay, Adam.” I don’t know who it is talking to me. But I'm not sure if I believe them. “Come on, Adam. Wake up.” I don’t think this is a dream anymore. I want to wake up. More than anything, I just want to open my eyes. But I can’t. “Please wake up.” The boy is crying now, and I don’t know if I’m imagining it or not.

_“Please.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I swear these chapters look so short once I put them on here lmao. Anyways this one is a short one but next Wednesday I'm going to be posting 2 more and one of them is super long so don't worry!


	4. I miss you most at six feet apart (Caleb)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb seeks another form of communication.
> 
> (Title is from "six feet apart" by Alec Benjamin)

_**November 11, 2017 10:52pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Hey Adam.

I know you can’t see this.

This is fucking stupid

But I needed to talk to you.

My parents told me I'm not allowed to see dr. bright anymore

I agreed

I don’t think they’re right but I agreed

I can’t stand to be mad at them

so now In the worst possible time

I’m alone

I don’t have you and now i don’t have dr. bright

I’m sorry I’m not trying to blame you It’s damien

That motherfucker.

He did this.

And then I hurt him.

And now he won’t wake up and Wadsworth has him and I thought I had it under control

But what if i don’t? What if I never get it under control?

What if I hurt you?

Maybe you’re better off without me.

Maybe I’m supposed to be alone.

_**November 12, 2017 1:27am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I can’t sleep.

I just keep thinking

What if it’s worse than we think? What if Damien hurt you more than we know?

_**November 12, 2017 2:18 am ** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

What if you're never the same?

_**November 12, 2017 3:42 pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

What is this like for you?

Do you know what’s happening?

Do you know you’re asleep?

In a coma?

Or do you not realize?

Do you not think about it?

_**November 13, 2017 4;45 pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Do you think at all?

_**November 14, 2017 5:22pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I did research.

Apparently you can think just in a different way. And you might be able to hear us.

I know you. You’re too stubborn to let some tool with a fake name make you temporarily deaf.

And I know you’re trying to wake up. Because you wouldn’t ever leave me.

Even if I don't deserve you.

_**November 15, 2017 11: 49 am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

My parents don’t want me to visit.

They’re worried I’ll break down or something.

Which is dumb. I wouldn’t.

I think.

I dunno Adam.

I’m going crazy. Looping around and around in my own head

I knew myself better when I was with you

I’m practically on house arrest because my mom thinks I’m gonna charge into the AM and break down the doors, charge in, grab you, and carry you out like you’re a damsel in distress

Which I wouldn’t.

Probably.

But I might have to sneak out.

Which would be worth it if I got to see you. I bet Alice would cover for me.

The Great Amazing Feelings Boy needs his boyfriend back.

_**November 15, 2017 11:57pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I’m sneaking out.

I’m doing it.

_**November 16, 2017 12:04 am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I got caught.

**_November 16, 2017 3:08 pm_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

So apparently, if you crawl out a window people can hear you trying to squeeze through

Especially when you’re 6”3

Not that you’d know you midget.

So now I’m on house arrest . Officially this time.

Which is fun.

I mean it's not like I have anywhere to go anyway.

My parents deleted Sam’s, Chloe’s and Mark’s numbers from my phone.

Not yours though :)

Though they did seem to think me texting you was weird.

They signed me up for therapy. A new therapist.

I don't want to go

I’m going to though

Can’t let them down again

_**November 17, 2017 5:17 pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

The therapist sucks.

He’s old.

Bald.

And his nose is big.

Like I could see it from the waiting room.

oh and his office smells like cheese.

He doesn’t understand anything that happened.

He thinks you moved or something.

My parents say I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to.

I’m going back in two weeks.

_**November 20, 2017 7:23 pm** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

House arrest ends tomorrow. Maybe I can come see you.

After school of course.

Because according to my mom “Just because there was an accident doesn’t mean your grades are allowed to drop.”

She’s right though.

My grades suck

I wish you could help me.

Oh god.

Your grades

You have to get into Yale

It’s your dream

Ok breakout attempt #2 coming soon

So glad you’re not here to be my impulse control

_**November 21, 2017 3:42am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I got down the street. I figured i’ll text you updates

Then when you wake up you can make fun of me

Plus I kinda need a reminder that I exist for something

_**November 21, 2017 3:54am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

I’m walking to Sam’s house

Figured if anyone would be sympathetic to going and getting their bf out of the AM it’d be her

**_November 21, 2017 4:36am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

So apparently Sam doesn’t expect visitors at 4 in the morning.

Still. We talked.

She told me to take her car.

**_November 21, 2017 4:53am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

At night the AM looks strange.

The lights shine through the windows but you can tell it’s coming from different rooms.

It has an eerie effect. Kinda like a bad haunted house.

You’d like it. You’d find it funny

I parked Sam’s car around the corner. No use dragging her into this if I get caught. Which I probably will.

**_November 21, 2017 5:27am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

Break and Enter Attempt 1:

Fun fact: I do not fit through the AM vents.

At all.

_ **November 21, 2017 5:42am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Break and Enter Attempt 2:

Fun fact: AC units are loud if you stand on them.

They make weird growling noises.

** _November 21, 2017 5:58am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

Break and Enter Attempt 3:

Fun fact: The third window from the left in the back is unlocked.

I’m coming for you.

_**November 21, 2017 6:14am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Search and Rescue Attempt 1:

Fun fact: The AM is bigger than it looks.

Where are you?

_**November 21, 2017 6:42am** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Search and Rescue Attempt 2:

Fun fact: When you see your comatose boyfriend in a dark room it gives you a bigger heart attack.

Oh my fucking god

I found you.

**_November 21, 2017 6:44am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

Fuck.

Fuck.

The door’s locked Adam.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Wait for someone to come and say “Hi can I borrow your key so I can break my boyfriend out of this hellhole?”

Fuck.

_**November 21, 2017 7:02am ** _

_**To hayestheredelilah** _

Shit Adam.

What am I doing?

The sun is going to rise soon and more people are going to come to the AM and my parents are gonna wonder why I’m not up for school and I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do.

I left my parents a note

It was some bullshit about going to one of the guys on the team’s (what did you call them? footbros?) house for the night

They’ll probably believe me which just makes me feel worse

Fuck.

**_November 21, 2017 7:15am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

I’m going to be late to school.

Which is fine

I brought my backpack for some reason.

I don't know why

**_November 21, 2017 7:18am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

Fun fact: On a search and rescue you’re not supposed to get caught.

Especially not by someone you know.

Agent Green.

**_November 21, 2017 7:44am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

That was weird

He just sighed and unlocked the door for me

Now I’m looking at you

You're fucking gorgeous

I don't know if I’ve told you that, but damn you’re pretty

I missed seeing your face in person 

Now how the hell do I get you out of here? 

Your window's open and we’re on the first floor but the sun is up and I doubt the AM would just let us leave.

**_November 21, 2017 8:20am_ **

**_To hayestheredelilah_ **

Yo who has 2 thumbs and just got caught trying to steal a human by the head of a government facility? 

This was a poor decision on my part

I think I’m officially in trouble now

She made me follow her outside whoop whoop

Lmao I think your aunt hates me

Probably not used to someone not paying attention to her

I have no clue where we’re going but we’re in her car

Shit gtg I think we’ve entered Serious Talk Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Yes Caleb would definitely text while walking through a dangerous government facility. Anyways have a good day! Special thanks to my friend Taylor for writing like 55% of this chapter! You're the best!


	5. Interlude: Wadsworth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Annabelle stumbles upon an opportunity for sympathy

Here’s the thing about Annabelle.

She’s the smartest person most people know. She’s the boldest one too. She knows everything about everything all the time.

But.

She’s more than that.

She’s a lot of things to a lot of people. A monster to some, a rival to others, and to Adam…

Adam.

She’s seen him in a lot of places: his best (winning 5,000 dollars in 8th grade for a creative writing piece) and his worst (older, white lines trailing his arms, his eyes lost and empty) and been his confidant. She was the first person he came out to, the only relative he ever talked to, really talked to. She’s always been there for him, buying him that fancy typewriter for his 12th birthday and giving him a paperclip whenever he needs to stim. He makes her laugh, and teaches her things she doesn’t have to pretend she already knew.

So when people say Annabelle is incapable of love, all she can do is scoff. No one could be incapable of love when Adam’s their nephew.

It’s 6:30am when Annabelle strolls into the office. She hasn’t slept in at least a week and her hands are beginning to shake ever so slightly. She knows she’s getting sloppy. She walks towards Adam’s room (she managed to get a private for him close to her office), ignoring the people scurrying around her. Annabelle’s about to walk in when she notices the doors are unlocked. Only she and Green have the key, and it’s not Owen’s job to monitor Adam.

She opens the door and hears “Fuck-Shit.” and a crash. From behind Adam’s bed-he’s curled up in a ball again, the rascal-she spots a tuft of hair, what a romantic may call golden and what Annabelle would call vaguely beige. Annabelle puts two and two together quickly.

“Mr. Michaels?”

 _Silence._ This is really the one Adam chose to fall in love with?

“I know you’re here, Caleb.” Caleb’s head pokes up from behind the cot and _god_ , he looks awful. Bags under his eyes, deep and dark. The light in Adam's room is warmer than most of the privates in the facility, but it's still too harsh on him. Annabelle stares at this boy, this boy who’s loved someone and lost him and is acting rashly for no other reason than that love, and she can’t help but smile. She kills the grin and says to Caleb,

“Come with me.”

Annabelle may not be the most commiserative person in the world, but she’s not completely apathetic. She sees the panic flood his face and realizes with shock and then instant resignation: _He thinks I’m a monster_. Annabelle leaves the facility, walking into the parking lot she’s always hated. Caleb sighs with relief, typing something as he gets into the car. It catches Annabelle off-guard: it’s very on-brand for a teenager, though Annabelle can’t imagine what he could possibly be saying.

“Mr. Michaels?” She clears her throat and starts the car.

“Uh, yeah?” He types out one last thing and turns off his phone.

“What exactly were you doing in the AM this morning?”

“Can’t you guess?” Caleb’s brow furrows, like he’s concentrating.

“Fine. What exactly was your plan? You’d break in, take my nephew from his medical care, and then what? Go on the run? You’re a teenage boy, not a spy. We’d find you.”

“Anything’s better than here.” Caleb crosses his arms, refusing to look at her. _Ah. He’s scared of me, isn’t he?_

“Do you really believe that? I’m his aunt, Mr. Michaels. I’m not going to hurt him.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I just…” He trails off, looking out the window in that infuriating way moody teenagers do, and Annabelle wants to leave him on a random street corner and drive off.

She doesn’t. “I understand. You miss him.”

Caleb looks up at her for the first time. “Is he...I mean, is he…”

“Going to be ok? Yes.” Caleb’s eyes widen, and Annabelle feels uncharacteristically guilty for what she has to say. “Is he going to be the same? No.”

 _Ow_. It’s as if Caleb’s eyes shatter, shards of green crushed like glass beneath her heel. Annabelle winces.

“I…” Annabelle says, unsure where to go. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I’m doing what I can, but Damien...I’ve never seen anyone do what he did.”

“And what exactly did he do?”

“I…I don’t know. But I promise-” She stops at a stoplight, turning slightly to face him. “-I will do everything I can to help him.”

“Do you...can I visit him? My parents don’t want me to-”

“I’m sure that can be arranged.” The light turns green. “I’d like to propose a truce. I know you think I’m a monster-”Caleb opens his mouth to argue “-But I’m willing to be civil. I love Adam, and Adam loves you, and that’s enough common ground for me.”

“Right,” Caleb’s eyes brighten, like he forgot that Adam loves him. “Yeah, right.”

“I will work something out so you can see him. But please don’t break into the AM again. Believe it or not, I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Okay.” Caleb doesn't really believe her. That’s okay. He will.

“Now, go to school.” Annabelle slows to a stop, into a parking spot she’s been in once or twice before. “Thanksgiving break’s almost here, but you can’t phone it in because of feelings.”

“I’ve done it before.” Caleb shoves his hands in his pockets.

“And how did that work out for you?”

 _Silence_. Annabelle sighs. “I know. It’s been a long week. Just-just keep trying, ok?” Caleb nods, rubbing his eyes. “Now go to school. I’ll call the office and make sure you’re excused.”

“Okay.” Caleb unbuckles his seatbelt. He opens his mouth, like he’s going to say something, then changes his mind and opens the door. As he’s walking into the building, Annabelle smiles.

Here’s the thing about Annabelle.

She’s a lot of things to a lot of people.

But above all, she’s _herself_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter made me very emotional over Wadsworth lol.  
> Anyways hope you enjoyed! Please leave kudos and have a good day!


	6. I wish that I was good enough (Adam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam struggles to hold on to what he knows.
> 
> (Title is from "Hold me while you wait" by Lewis Capaldi)

My head is empty. It’s an echo chamber, filled with a few thoughts that go around and around and around and-

Stop.

 _“I can’t do this right now!”_ The boy’s face, once so clear, is growing blurry, his voice shaky and distorted. I can still see myself in perfect clarity, my shocked face and green flannel standing out almost grotesquely against the amorphous backdrop. There’s water in my ears I can’t shake out, irritating me and making it hard to hear. _“I just-just leave me alone for a while, ok?”_

I’ve heard this before, over and over and over. I know this conversation backward and forwards. And yet tears still rise, hot and fast. The water in my ears must be coming from somewhere, right? There’s a puddle next to my feet too.

 _“I didn't do anything wrong I lo-”_ I see my eyes widen slightly, wishing to shove the words back into my brain where they belong. The water’s rising to my knees.

 _“I’m sorry.”_ I can barely tell what color his eyes are, his face is so blurred. As he becomes more abstract, a cloud shaped like a human more than anything, I become ever clearer. I’m a stained glass window, my features shattering with every thought I think.

And then I’m alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I know this was teeny! I just wanted to get something out this week but I've got a big one up next!


	7. Leave my heart open but it stays here empty for days (Caleb)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caleb accidentally makes a choice. 
> 
> (Chapter title is from "story of my life" by One Direction)

**November 21, 2017 8:33am**

**From aliceinpunderland**

Dude wtf

Mom and dad are freaking out

**From calesalad**

What why?

**From aliceinpunderland**

You just??? Left??? In the middle of the night???

How exactly did you think that was going to work out?

**From calesalad**

Sorry

**From aliceinpunderland**

It’s fine bro

They saw your note and chilled out

But I haven’t

**From calesalad**

What?

**From aliceinpunderland**

COME ON Caleb

I may be stupid but I’m not stupid

You literally hate Henry there’s no way you slept over

**November 21, 2017 8:45am**

**From aliceinpunderland**

BRO ANSWER

**From calesalad**

Jesus chill

I was doing something it’s fine don’t worry

**From aliceinpunderland**

Holy shit I’m incapable of worrying now thank you so much

**From calesalad**

Don’t swear

**From aliceinpunderland**

Answer my question flkgajs;f[vakds

**From calesalad**

You’re infuriating

Fine

I was at the AM

**From aliceinpunderland**

CALEB WHATEVER YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS I FORGOT MICHAELS

What were you thinking?!??!?!

**From calesalad**

I wasn’t

**From aliceinpunderland**

Clearly!

**From calesalad**

Don’t tell mom & dad

**From aliceinpunderland**

I won’t

They’re about to have a nervous breakdown as it is

**From calesalad**

Thank you

**From aliceinpunderland**

Now what were you thinking?

**From calesalad**

Like I said I wasn't

**From aliceinpunderland**

...

**From calesalad**

I was trying to break Adam out

**From aliceinpunderland**

Oh.

**From calesalad**

Yes.

**From aliceinpunderland**

What happened?

**From calesalad**

Lots happened

**From aliceinpunderland**

Caleb I s2g

**From calesalad**

I didn’t get in trouble surprisingly

Wadsworth found me

**From aliceinpunderland**

Scary lady??

**From calesalad**

That’s the one

She didn't arrest me or anything

Just drove me to school and told me she doesn’t hate me

**From aliceinpunderland**

Huh.

**From calesalad**

Indeed.

**From aliceinpunderland**

What are you going to do?

**From calesalad**

I don't know

Get through the week

Then it’s Thanksgiving and I can catch a fucking break

*FREAKING I MEANT FREAKING

**From aliceinpunderland**

I love you big bro

**From calesalad**

Ew who talks like that?

**November 21, 2017 8:51am**

**From calesalad**

I love you too

***

“The heartache, and the thousand natural shock that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consumm- consumm- consummation- honestly, Adam, can’t they just talk like normal people? Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep, perchance to dream.” I’m reading out loud, something I’ve never voluntarily done before today. I know Adam loves these plays but _damn_ , they can be dry.

It’s Friday. Wadsworth refused to let me come here before I got all of my schoolwork done before break, which is kind of bullshit, but whatever. Getting here was easier than I thought-Wadsworth (am I allowed to call her Annabelle?) was really cagey when I asked her what my parents think I’m doing, but I’m scared if I ask too many questions she’ll kick me out. She just picked me up after school and drove me here.

To the AM.

Fuck.

I’m still not thrilled to be here. I know I’m technically potentially dangerous, and I know what they do to dangerous atypicals here. But I need to see Adam. He’s still asleep- according to Wadsworth, he’d be okay if he woke up, but it’s best for it to happen naturally. I get that.

Doesn’t stop me from wanting to lean over him and kiss all the freckles on his nose until he wakes up, but I get it.

I’m holding his hand. That’s nice. I’ve been reading to him for the past fifteen minutes or so, and I have to say I expected _something_. I mean, obviously I didn’t expect him to sit up straight at the sound of my voice and throw himself into my arms- though that would’ve been pretty great- but I thought maybe his eyelashes would flutter when I took his hand, his mouth twitch when I started reading this soliloquy. But nothing. His emotions haven’t been reaching out either.

I try hard not to think about what that might mean.

I shut the book. “Ok, I’m not very into this one, Adam. I’m going to switch gears if you don’t mind.” I let go of his hand for a moment, pulling out a notebook from the beginning of junior year. “I figured you might enjoy hearing some of my horrible poetry. I’m still desperate to read all of the hunger games fanfiction you won’t let me see, but this’ll have to do for now. I haven’t looked at any of these in a while so this will be an adventure for both of us.” I open the notebook and am immediately greeted with an obscene amount of sharpie and red pen. “Holy shit this should be good. Once upon a time-”

“-Any changes, Mr. Michaels?” Wadsworth materializes in the doorway, almost giving me a heart attack.

I spin around in my chair to face her. “Wouldn’t you know if something has changed?” I gesture to Adam's heart monitor and CCTV cameras pointing directly at me and him.

Wadsworth rolls her eyes. “Must you be so tiresome? I was merely asking.” Her tone says a lot more than she does. She’s telling me _it’s fortunate you’re even allowed here you silly, silly boy so just count yourself lucky that I’m not locking you in a cell underground and throwing away the key._ It’s emotional blackmail at its finest and I can’t tell if she’s doing it on purpose or if it’s just her personality.

I spin back towards Adam. “No, no change.” I sense Wadsworth coming up behind me, stopping next to my chair. I can see her out of the corner of my eye. We’re both looking at Adam. We tilt our heads in unison. “What would that look like?”

“Pardon?” “Like, is there anything I should be looking for? Just any kind of movement, or...?”

“Yes.” She sighs, as if it’s simply too much effort on her part to put up with me. “He sustained a serious injury, though not a physical one as far as I can tell. It’s unclear when he’ll wake up, but it’s important to be on high alert.”

“Is that why you haven’t slept in a week?”

My question startles her. “How did you-”

“-Whenever he’d pull an all-nighter, Adam’s lips would quiver and his hands would shake slightly. Yours are doing the same but. like, ten times worse.” I close my notebook and lean back. Wadsworth stares at me and I feel a brief sense of triumph. She’s really not as unreadable as she thinks she is.

“I- I see.” We look at each other in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time. Wadsworth clears her throat. “I have another patient to attend to, but let me know immediately if anything changes.” She smoothes down her skirt and turns to leave.

“I thought you didn't work directly with the patients.” I brush a curl out of Adam’s face, my fingers lingering near his temple for a moment.

Wadsworth stops, facing me again and forcing me to look up at her. “It’s a special case.” She glances down at the floor, and if I didn’t know better I’d say she was nervous. “I’ll be back in an hour or so.” She leaves, the sound of her high heels fading and leaving me in silence.

I pick up my notebook and look at Adam. “What do you say we start with a diary entry?”

***

Time moves slowly.

Reading out loud is tiring, especially since I’m too scared to ask for water. My phone was confiscated when I got here, so I have no way of telling what time it is except for Adam’s watch, which tells me it’s barely been half an hour since Wadsworth left. I finished reading from my diary a while ago- there were a disappointedly small amount of entries, and without Adam commentating on anything, it wasn’t as funny as I would’ve thought. I end up just sort of sitting there, rubbing my thumb against the back of Adam’s palm.

I haven’t been alone like this in a while; I’m never really on my own, especially not with Adam. It’s strange to be sitting here, so close to him, and feeling nothing from him. It’s like going up the stairs in the dark and expecting one more step when there isn’t one: I’m surprised every second my emotions aren’t green in a way that’s almost suffocating.

All of a sudden I can barely breathe. I let go of Adam’s hand and flick my other palm, trying to calm down. I stand, pacing back and forth in this tiny, tiny room. _Don’t freak out, Caleb. Everyone thinks you’re going to crack, and there’s no reason for you to prove them right._

I look up at the ceiling, then over at Adam. _He could make me right._ I find myself hoping, wishing, begging. _Please wake up. I can’t be alone anymore. Please wake up._ I know that it won’t work, that he’ll remain asleep, unchanging no matter how hard I wish for a different outcome. But there’s a tiny, tiny part of me, the same part that used to tell me my feelings for Adam were my own, is calling out, saying _what if?_

 _What if._ I cup my left hand around Adam’s cheek, silently begging. Around us, it’s quiet. Nothing but the sound of my breath and Adam’s heart monitor.

_Please._

Adam’s eyelashes, those long, dark eyelashes I could never stop staring at, flutter slightly and my breath catches in my throat.

His eyes open, and I jerk my hand away, fingers landing in his open palm. He blinks once.

Twice.

“Hello?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please leave kudos or comment to give me serotonin!


	8. Tell me that you don't love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adam is awake. 
> 
> (Chapter title is from "Even if it's a lie" By Matt Maltese)

“Hello?” My voice cracks slightly, syllables coming out all wrong. A strangely familiar feeling of self-loathing swells up, a wave bigger than it has any right to be. My vision is blurry, and I blink several times to clear it.

“A- Adam?” A voice I’m sure I know breaks a silence I wasn’t aware I’d created. Finally, my vision clears, and I see a boy around my age- how old am I again?- looking at me, his eyes looking directly into mine. He smiles. Before I can help it, I smile too, then blush and look down. “Adam?” the boy says again, still staring at me expectantly.

My brain isn’t used to falling short like this. The boy squeezes my hand and there are probably more important things to be worrying about but my mind keeps coming back to the fact that there is a cute boy holding my hand and he smells like vanilla and peppermint and.

I can hear a heart monitor. At least, I think that’s what it is. The beeping is fast. Really fast. Maybe it’s my heart. Maybe there’s no monitor and I’m just freaking out. Maybe there is a heart monitor and I’m freaking out. I’m definitely freaking out.

The boy is waiting for me to say something. “Hello?” I realize I’m repeating myself and cringe slightly. “Where- where am I?” I figure it’s the best place to start; I have the who (kind of), so all I need is the where, when, and most importantly, _why?_

He hesitates like he’s not sure if he should tell me. “We’re- we’re at the AM.” A sense of dread sets in, mirrored in the boy’s face. _I know that name._ I don’t know why, but I know that this is not a good place. Why am I here? I open my mouth again, unsure of what to say. I’m beginning to panic. I don’t know anything anymore. But this boy- this really, really cute boy- is staring at me like I’m the answer to everything, and I can’t stand to disappoint him.

“Oh, uh...yeah. Hey, man.” I wrinkle my nose, the words feeling wrong as they spill out of my mouth.

The boy isn’t convinced. “Adam. It’s me, Caleb.”

"Yeah," I say unconvincingly, "Right. Caleb."

Uncertainty floods Caleb’s face. “What’s going on? You feel…”

_I feel?_

Caleb lets go of my hand. I didn’t realize how cold it was without him. He runs his hands through his hair, a look on his face I’m sure I know.

“Fuck. Okay-” He stands, walking towards the door, then turning around to face me. “I’ll be back in, like, two seconds, okay?”

 _He looks like a superhero._ “Okay,” I croak out, a little mad at myself for how desperate I sound. I don't want to be alone in this room. He shuts the door behind him and I’m left alone with my thoughts, wherever they are. 

“So he just...woke up? You didn’t do anything to him?” A woman’s voice is coming from the hallway outside my door. Hearing it fills me with an emotion I can’t explain. I shift uncomfortably in my bed (I’m in a bed?)

“That’s what I said, yeah.” Caleb’s voice is a little shaky, and somehow I know: he’s full of shit. I know when he’s lying, because I…

“Hmph.” I hear heels clicking, and the door opens again. A woman in a suit strides in, Caleb behind her. She turns to me and her expression softens. “Hey, Adam. How do you feel? You’ve been asleep for about two weeks, and-”

“What?” Due dates and deadlines start to float to the surface of my thoughts, midterms coming up and- college applications? _Shit_.

“It’s alright, Adam. We’re going to figure it out-” The woman stops herself. “That’s not important right now. How are you?” She takes a slow step forward like she’s afraid I’m going to yell at her.

“Um…I-” “-You don’t remember anything, do you?” The abruptness takes me aback. She’s looking at me, begging me to prove her wrong. I get the feeling she very rarely does that. I hesitate for a second (or is it many?). My eyes dart to Caleb, who’s staring at the woman in confusion. My stomach fills with butterflies that quickly turn sour as I realize: he’s two steps ahead of me. He knows me and I don’t know how.

I nod.

The effect is immediate. Caleb turns away, running his hands through his hair. The woman takes a step back, away from me, disappointment plain to see. “I thought as much.”

Caleb spins around suddenly, facing the woman. “Wait. You _knew?_ ” Caleb looks furious. It makes me want to take his hand, look in his eyes until his shoulders relax and his brow unfurrows.

The woman remains impassive. “I did not want to cause unnecessary stress-”

“Who fucking cares?! If my boyfriend has fucking amnesia I’d like to know!”

_Boyfriend?- No, Adam. Focus on what’s happening._

“I was merely looking out for you, Mr. Michaels. You’ve been struggling since-”

“I’m _fine_ , thank you very much.” It’s clearly a lie and I want to call him out for it but I can’t seem to make my voice work.

The woman smiles humorlessly. “Really, Mr. Michaels? I’m not stupid-”

“But I am, right? Too dense to be able to cope with Adam-” Caleb stops, looking over at me. There’s a war going on in his head, his green eyes windows peeking into the chaos. He takes a breath, like he’s resetting, then takes a slow step towards me. “Are you okay?”

I clear my throat. I have to say something. “I- I don’t-” My eyes dart back and forth between him and the woman, who’s still looking at me like I’m a puzzle she can’t seem to solve. “What happened? Wh- why am I here?” I know it’s not answering the question but I need to know. 

“You don’t remember that either?” The woman narrows her eyes when I shake my head. “Hmm. From everything I’ve read, you should have flashes, though I’m assuming it’s different becau-'' She stops herself, glancing at Caleb for a fraction of a second. “I’ll look into it.” She takes a deep breath, the first sign of sadness peeking through. There’s something especially familiar about her, even more so than with Caleb. Speaking of…

“So what are we going to do? Adam’s not- he can’t-” Caleb’s crashing and burning and I can’t do anything about it.

“That’s enough for the night, Mr. Michaels.” The woman tentatively puts a hand on Caleb’s shoulder. He flinches away, turning to look at her.

“What? No way! I’m not leaving Adam like this!” He shoves his hands into his pockets.

“You’ve had a stressful day. Your parents are probably wondering where you are.”

“But-” Caleb looks like he’s about to argue, then sighs, a world-weary sound I wish I could say I wasn’t familiar with. “Fine. But I’ll be here first thing tomorrow. I’ll tell my parents I’m hanging out with the team.” He turns to me, and his expression softens in a way that makes me wonder how on earth I’m lucky enough for him to look at me like that. “Please- just. Don’t go anywhere, okay?” There’s something else he’s asking behind the question but I can’t figure out what it is.

“I won’t.” I wish he didn’t have to go.

He looks back at the woman. “You’re going to look into it, right?”

The woman nods. “I have a few inklings of who to ask.”

Caleb looks like he wants to ask her what she means, then changes his mind. He grabs a well-used backpack from the ground and opens the door. He looks back at me one more time and the ghost of a smile appears on his face, the first one I’ve seen since- well, I don’t know. He shuts the door behind him and I swear the temperature goes down ten degrees. I’m left alone with the woman and the questions in my head.

“What are you going to do? Who are you going to ask?”

The woman smiles. “An old friend. Of yours, not mine. I have a feeling she’ll be very useful to us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I updated this! Pls comment or leave kudos if you'd like!


	9. Tell me that you don't love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adam is awake. 
> 
> (Chapter title is from "Even if it's a lie" By Matt Maltese)

“Hello?” My voice cracks slightly, syllables coming out all wrong. A strangely familiar feeling of self-loathing swells up, a wave bigger than it has any right to be. My vision is blurry, and I blink several times to clear it. 

“A- Adam?” A voice I’m sure I know breaks a silence I wasn’t aware I’d created. Finally, my vision clears, and I see a boy around my age- how old am I again?- Is looking at me, his eyes looking directly into mine. He smiles and damn, he’s cute. Before I can help it, I smile too, then blush and look down. “Adam?” the boy says again, still staring at me expectantly.

I should know this. I should know him. My brain isn’t used to falling short like this. The boy squeezes my hand and there’s probably more important things to be worrying about but my mind keeps coming back to the fact that there is a cute boy holding my hand and he smells like vanilla and peppermint and.

I can hear a heart monitor. At least, I think that’s what it is. The beeping is fast. Really fast. Maybe it’s my heart. Maybe there’s no monitor and I’m just freaking out. Maybe there is a heart monitor and I’m freaking out. I’m definitely freaking out. 

I realize the boy is waiting for me to say something. “Hello?” I realize I’m repeating myself and cringe slightly. “Where- where am I?” I figure it’s the best place to start; I have the who (kind of), so all I need is the where, when and most importantly, why? 

He hesitates, like he’s not sure if he should tell me. “We’re- we’re at the AM.” 

A sense of dread sets in, mirrored in the boy’s face. I know that name. I don’t know why, but I know that this is not a good place. Why am I here? I open my mouth again, unsure of what to say. I’m beginning to panic. I don’t know anything anymore. But this boy- this really, really cute boy- is staring at me like I’m the answer to everything, and I can’t stand to disappoint him. 

“Oh, uh...yeah. Hey, man.” I wrinkle my nose, the words feeling wrong as they spill out of my mouth. 

The boy isn’t convinced. “Adam. It’s me, Caleb.” 

"Yeah," I say unconvincingly, "Right. Caleb."

Uncertainty floods Caleb’s face. “What’s going on? You feel…” 

I feel? 

Caleb lets go of my hand. I didn’t realize how cold it was without him. He runs his hands through his hair, a look on his face I’m sure I know. “Fuck. Okay-” He stands, walking towards the door, then turning around to face me. “I’ll be back in, like, two seconds, okay?” 

He looks like a superhero. “Okay,” I croak out, a little mad at myself for how desperate I sound. He shuts the door behind him and I’m left alone with my thoughts, wherever they are. I know him. I’m sure of it. His voice, the way he says what must be my name, even the weight of his hand in mine. I know him. And yet I’ve never been so unsure.

“So he just...woke up? You didn’t do anything to him?” A woman’s voice is coming from the hallway outside my door. Hearing it fills me with an emotion I can’t explain. I shift uncomfortably in my bed (I’m in a bed?)

“That’s what I said, yeah.” Caleb’s voice is a little shaky, and somehow I know: he’s full of shit. I know when he’s lying, because I… 

“Hmph.” I hear heels clicking, and the door opens again. A woman in a suit strides in, Caleb behind her. She turns to me and her expression softens. “Hey, Adam. How do you feel? You’ve been asleep for about two weeks, and-” 

“What?” Due dates and deadlines start to float to the surface of my thoughts, midterms coming up and- college applications? Shit. 

“It’s alright, Adam. We’re going to figure it out-” The woman stops herself. “That’s not important right now. How are you?” She takes a slow step forward, like she’s afraid I’m going to yell at her. 

“Um…I-” 

“-You don’t remember anything, do you?” The abruptness takes me aback. She’s looking at me, begging me to prove her wrong. I get the feeling she very rarely does that. 

I hesitate for a second (or is it many?). My eyes dart to Caleb, who’s staring at the woman in cofusion. My stomach fills with butterflies that quickly turn sour as I realize: he’s two steps ahead of me. He knows me and I don’t know how. 

I nod. 

The effect is immediate. Caleb turns away, running his hands through his hair. 

The woman takes a step back, away from me, disappointment plain to see. “I thought as much.” 

Caleb spins around suddenly, facing the woman. “Wait. You knew?” Caleb looks furious. It makes me want to take his hand, look in his eyes until his shoulders relax and his brow unfurrows. 

The woman remains impassive. “I did not want to cause unnecessary stress-” 

“Who fucking cares?! If my boyfriend has fucking amnesia I’d like to know!” 

Boyfriend?- No, Adam. Focus on what’s happening. 

“I was merely looking out for you, Mr. Michaels. You’ve been struggling since-”

“I’m fine, thank you very much.” It’s a lie and I want to call him out for it but I can’t seem to make my voice work. 

The woman smiles humorlessly. “Really, Mr. Michaels? I’m not stupid-” 

“But I am, right? Too dense to be able to cope with Adam-” Caleb stops, looking over at me. There’s a war going on in his head, his green eyes windows peeking into the chaos. He takes a breath, like he’s resetting, then takes a slow step towards me. “Are you okay?” 

I’m reminded of dozens, maybe hundreds of times he’s asked me that question, and I wonder again; who is he to me? I clear my throat. I have to say something. “I- I don’t-” My eyes dart back and forth between him and the woman, who’s still looking at me like I’m a puzzle she can’t seem to solve. “What happened? Wh- why am I here?” I know it’s not answering the question but I need to know. I stretch my mind back, trying to remember and am met with nothing.

“You don’t remember that either?” The woman narrows her eyes when I shake my head. “Hmm. From everything I’ve read, you should have flashes, though I’m assuming it’s different becau-'' She stops herself, glancing at Caleb for a fraction of a second. “I’ll look into it.” She takes a deep breath, the first sign of sadness peeking through. There’s something especially familiar about her, even more so than with Caleb. 

Speaking of…

“So what are we going to do? Adam’s not- he can’t-” Caleb’s crashing and burning and I can’t do anything about it.

“That’s enough for the night, Mr. Michaels.” The woman tentatively puts a hand on Caleb’s shoulder. 

He flinches away, turning to look at her. “What? No way! I’m not leaving Adam like this!” He shoves his hands into his pockets.

“You’ve had a stressful day. Your parents are probably wondering where you are.”

“But-” Caleb looks like he’s about to argue, then sighs, a world weary sound I wish I could say I wasn’t familiar with. “Fine. But I’ll be here first thing tomorrow. I’ll tell my parents I’m hanging out with the team.” He turns to me, and his expression softens in a way that makes me wonder how on earth I’m lucky enough for him to look at me like that. “Please- just. Don’t go anywhere, okay?” There’s something else he’s asking behind the question but I can’t figure out what it is.

“I won’t.” I wish he didn’t have to go. 

He looks back at the woman. “You’re going to look into it, right?” 

The woman nods. “I have a few inklings of who to ask.” 

Caleb looks like he wants to ask her what she means, then changes his mind. He grabs a well-used backpack from the ground and opens the door. He looks back at me one more time, and I try not to blush. The ghost of a smile appears on his face, the first one I’ve seen since- well, I don’t know. 

He shuts the door behind him and I swear the temperature goes down ten degrees. I’m left alone with the woman and the questions in my head. 

“What are you going to do? Who are you going to ask?” 

The woman smiles. “An old friend. Of yours, not mine. I have a feeling she’ll be very useful to us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I updated this! Pls comment or leave kudos if you'd like!


End file.
